She Called Me Out

She called me out with her eyes. Deep into me she could see. "What are you saying, Liz," the penetrating look asked. "Don't you want to tell the truth?"

I was frozen in the moment when a visitor to the ashram observed me rationalizing an action which became an outright lie. The crazy thing is... I believed what I said. Here's what happened.

A few days ago, I made a new raw food -- almond veggie burgers. The batter is like a pate and is dehydrated after it is shaped. The reality is I made a ton of batter. There was more than what was needed. I must have tripled the recipe.

I took the leftovers and offered it for a side dish for lunch. Everyone enjoyed it... but there was such an abundance -- there were leftovers.

The next day, someone asked what the pate was for. Oh, I said, I prepared it for lunch, to go with the salad. We didn't have enough side dishes.

This is when the ashram visitor, Jenya, called me out. She was witness the day the pate was prepared. She saw yellow and red tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchini, pumpkin seeds, dulse and avocados -- all available for the choosing to accompany the salad. She knew there was more than enough food. But I didn't.

Here's where rationalization comes into play.

I felt terrible for making so much batter. I know the ashram counts every penny. They make and sometimes feed hundreds of meals a week. I couldn't accept my wastefulness so I made up a story to soften the discomfort.

I told myself and believed that the extra food was needed. If it hadn't been for Jenya calling me out, I would never have known how rationalization truly works.

Now I ask myself, "Can I turn rationalization into realization, and will this help keep me honest, with myself first and then... with others?"